This week starts by highlighting the fact that as of summer, everyone is in a happy relationship: Ted & Victoria, Barney & Quinn, Nick & Robin, and Marshall, Lily & Marvin. Since that’s really boring, we flash to October (I’m assuming they won’t flash back to summer since it’s October now), and everyone’s fighting. Ted calls it ‘The Autumn of Breakups.’ The cause: Barney’s pre-nup.
Arthur Hobbs is back this week, not to ruin Marshall’s life, but Barney’s. He convinces Barney that he needs to make Quinn sign a pre-nup by telling him the horror story of his ex-wife. His villainous former wife, Darlene, took his money, his dog, his kidney, and left him with full custody of their kids. Though Barney says he trusts Quinn, Arthur persuades him to bring Quinn to the office to sign the papers. We learn of the details as Quinn, Robin and Lily gather at the apartment and Barney tells Ted and Marshall the story at MacLaren’s.
Barney’s demands include:
- Weekly hookups if they divorce. We discover that Barney has named Quinn’s lady privates ‘Ann, Sarah, and Molly’ and Marshall calls Lily’s ‘Snap, Crackle, and Pop.’ Funniest line of the night.
- Weekly ‘weigh-ins,’ which will cause Quinn to owe Barney $2000 for each pound she gains.
- The yearly invention of twelve new sex positions, ten of which Barney will lie back and let Quinn pleasure him. Why are men so lazy about sex if they want it so badly?
- A warranty on Quinn’s breasts, in which she will get a boob job ‘every 5 years or 50,000 honka-honkas, whichever comes first.’ In this scene, Robin and Quinn complain about sound effects during fondling, and Marshall reveals that Lily enjoys them.
- Weekly hair removal from the neck down. If I were Quinn I’d agree to that, then start growing Jonas Brother eyebrows and a lady stache.
- Prolonged visits from Quinn’s parents are only permitted after they’re dead.
- Barney’s remaining wives will operate a ‘chore wheel.’ Arthur reveals that this was a stipulation in a contract he wrote for a Middle Eastern dignitary. He tells Quinn that he’ll ‘cross it out,’ then loudly whispers to Barney that he won’t. Barney also imagines Quinn giving him a lap dance every morning after a pillow fight with her sister wives.
Nick then arrives at the bar and the guys tell Barney that he’s nuts. He turns the tables and asks them what they would change about their women, and we see the four arguments that this causes that night. Before the commercial break, Narrator Ted announces that one of the couples will split the next day. The following morning, the women meet at MacLaren’s to complain about the demands their men made the night before.
Marshall whines that Lily thinks he’s too rough with Marvin, and we see what Lily remembers of bringing the baby home from the hospital. To Lily’s dismay, Marshall throws Marvin upwards and out of frame, then catches him again. When she lectures him in her demon voice, Marshall shows us how his father and brothers used to toss him around like a football, and his mother was fine with it as long as they didn’t break any furniture. He insists that it’s not a big deal because he ‘turned out fine,’ though Lily reminds him that he thought a ghost cooked him breakfast that morning. He goes to bed without giving Lily her favorite love squeeze.
Nick’s complaint is that Robin enjoys watching television during sex. She confesses to the girls that she doesn’t watch just anything, but that she gets her jollies by watching herself read the news. Does this mean that their lovemaking always occurs at 11pm? When Quinn advises her not to bring it up again, Robin also shares that while at work, she winks to the camera, knowing she’ll be watching herself in bed later.
Victoria then enters and complains that Ted wants to kick Klaus out of their apartment after feeling sorry for him and letting him live in the spare bedroom with his pack of ferrets. Yes, more Thomas Lennon! Not only is he Victoria’s free-loading ex who has disgusting pets that multiply, but he walks around naked and insists that Ted and Victoria watch a German rip off of The Odd Couple. Though Ted tells Klaus he has to leave, Victoria is still angry that he didn’t consult her about it first. Would she actually have wanted him to stay?
The ladies band together and accompany Quinn to Barney’s office, where she serves him her own pre-nup. A lovesick Arthur immediately has an eye for Lily, though Marvin is strapped to her in a baby sling. Quinn’s demands include:
- Gaining custody of all of Barney’s suits, so she can ‘sit around and watch them go out of style.’
- Allowing Barney to visit the Playboy Mansion, provided he is also dead.
- Barney owing Quinn $500K every time he can’t get it up.
- Barney wearing a shock collar around his junk while Quinn’s friends are over. I love NPH. Since the finale, he’s gotten much better at pretending to get electrocuted.
While they read the fine print, the men enter and Arthur tries to assert his dominance to Marshall by telling them Barney doesn’t need anymore help because he already has a lawyer. Again, Marshall is surprised that Arthur doesn’t remember that he’s a lawyer too, and was his employee for a good chunk of time. See ‘The Last Cigarette Ever.’ After Lily excuses herself from swearing in front of Marvin during nap time, each couple suggests Barney and Quinn add new terms to their contracts, but each is clearly related to their own relationship problems. Arthur steps in again and tells them that they’re going to ruin what they have, and suggest they need to communicate about what’s really coming between them.
Marshall tells Lily that he feels like she doesn’t trust him to be a good dad, and Lily admits that her issues come from her flaky dad, but she thinks he’ll be a great parent. Ted says that he’s worried that his and Victoria’s past is coming back to haunt them, and Victoria says she wanted to give Klaus a leg up because she feels bad that she left him for Ted. Nick tells Robin that he’s hurt because he thinks he can’t turn her on, and Robin admits that she just likes to watch herself working while she works it. He shrugs it off and they rush out the door, arm in arm. Arthur is touched by the entire display, so much that he calls his wife to tell his dog that he loves him.
We watch each of the couples say goodnight, complete with Robin’s maple leaf pajamas and Klaus wishing Ted and Victoria sweet dreams. Barney and Quinn stand in front of the trashcan together, each holding their tall stack of paperwork, but neither is willing to throw theirs away. They return to the drawing board and each ends up writing a new agreement that’s twice as long as their original one, which brings them to the conclusion that they don’t trust each other and shouldn’t get married. Cue victory dance #1.
At MacLaren’s, Barney tells the guys that he’ll ‘never trust someone enough to get married,’ but we fast forward to him talking to the guys at the office about his upcoming wedding and how there was no prenup involved. Robin enters and they leave together (victory dance #2!), after which we see Arthur happily petting Tugboat, with whom he’s reunited. The final funny of the night shows Ted and Victoria watching their new favorite show with a very naked Klaus.
What did you think of last night’s episode?