I like to eat my dessert first, so I’ll start with the best part of my Dallas recaps, my favorite JR quote of the night. He uses the expression, “Our girl’s crazier than an outhouse rat,” to describe Faux Marta to his new private investigator. The PI finds out that Marta is a bipolar stalker who becomes dangerously obsessed with her boyfriends. To pay back John Ross for lying to him about Marta’s identity, he hires the PI to catch John Ross with Elena so he can send Marta back to crazy town. The PI’s primary objective was to find dirt on Lobell’s son Rick, who we discover has two felonies and is a recovering drug addict. JR plans to trap Rick in a third felony and use it to keep Lobell from asking for any more money to swing the Southfork deal in his favor.
Back at Southfork, Bobby, Ann, Christopher and the staff prepare for the farewell BBQ. While they pause for breakfast, Elena brings in more research pertaining to Christopher’s methane project, all of which is probably bogus but to an idiot it sounds pretty smart. Rebecca comes downstairs and things get tense, so she excuses herself to go to the law library.
Like his father, John Ross has a real penchant for blackmail. Instead of studying for the bar, Rebecca meets John Ross, where he tells her that he knows she sent the email, but Rebecca denies it. Could she be telling the truth? Could Tommy have sent the email behind her back? John Ross threatens to tell everyone about Rebecca’s scam, unless he helps him and JR nab Tommy for drugs.
Meanwhile, JR pays Sue Ellen a visit at her office and gives her Miss Ellie’s pearls. My first instinct says they’re bugged. Then who should walk in, but Cliff Barnes, the man who came between her and JR and John Ross’ almost father! It turns out Sue Ellen has asked Cliff for help with her campaign and they have plans for lunch.
Also like his father, John Ross and his ex try to make nice. In the middle of the day, Elena finds John Ross in his favorite bar and convinces him to help her close a deal to drill on the Henderson’s land. Though it’s small potatoes in comparison to the oil under Southfork, he charms Mrs. Henderson in the deal and they celebrate with a water fight. JR’s private investigator captures photos of John Ross and Elena about to kiss, but John Ross gets shut down as Elena tells him “It’s Business Time,” and not in the Flight of the Conchords way.
On the ranch, Bobby and Chris work together on the most cliche farm tasks the writers could imagine. Christopher tells Bobby that he and Elena had planned to elope before they broke up, and that he thinks John Ross was responsible for the email. Did Chris and Elena have a public engagement and a real wedding planned? Christopher tells Bobby he can’t get Elena out of his mind and Bobby advises him to make a choice and stick with it.
Rebecca finds Rick at a support group and tries to convince him to use with her, but he doesn’t budge. He tells her how his fiancee helped him recover, and Rebecca has a change of heart. She returns home to find Tommy installing the bug she was too weak to plant on Christopher’s computer. John Ross comes home to a surprise, Marta waiting in his apartment, angry because he blew off their plans. Marta quickly forgives him and takes him on an after hours shopping trip for a new watch. Let’s say it together: What in the world? Rebecca then calls John Ross to tell him she failed with Rick, and Marta volunteers.
Another thing I don’t understand is John Ross’ plan to blow off the BBQ. He ultimately attends after JR convinces Elena to invite him, but shouldn’t it have been on his calendar if he needed to expose Rebecca? Right before the BBQ, Christopher insults Elena with a check for $20,000, accusing her of greed after her business involvement with John Ross. Hippie science doesn’t pay the bills, Chris. A woman’s gotta support herself!
While the BBQ kicks into gear, Marta throws a party of her own. It wouldn’t be soap without pills and wine. JR interrupts and shows Marta the photos of Elena and John Ross, and she shows him photos of her and Rick doing drugs. JR takes the photos of Rick to Lobell and tells him that he’s not giving him another cent, and if he wants to keep his son out of prison, he’ll cut a new deed giving Southfork to JR and nothing to John Ross. What a great dad.